Square One

I was perusing my notebook a few days ago and happened on an entry dated on the 1st of January.  Penned in blue ink it read, "Dear 2012, I'm gonna kick your ass."  I chuckled at the brazen optimism but then felt the melancholy for a forgotten thought and an unrealized goal.  Because as of yet, no part of 2012's ass has been kicked, much the opposite in fact.

It was just a couple of weeks ago that I was let go from my job of less than one year.  The reasons why I won't get into, but I will say that at the very end it did feel very mutual.  Sometimes things aren't always what they seem and a good thing doesn't always stay.  What's important is to know is that there are no guarantees and you should always know where the exits are at all times.

So this puts me back at square one in terms of life goals and aspirations.  I still have over a month left of the year, so my earlier declaration from before can still be accomplished, but the chances of this happening are very remote.  Instead, I should change my resolve to, "Dear 2012, I won't let you have the best of me."  This goal is much more manageable.

I've had some time to distance myself from the situation and in that time I've found some closure and acceptance.  If you are wondering if I've been going to any 12 step programs or reading up on the stages of grief, the answer is no.  I've just realized that distance can help you see things more clearly than before.  The situation I was in wasn't a change, it was just a continuation of several years of stress and monotony that I dealt with in my previous position.  It wasn't the same but it was far from different.

I'm staying positive which is the best thing I can do right now.  I think getting fired was a fantastic thing that  happened.  I have more time to focus on my writing which has suffered as of late.  Creative projects have always been important to me and I never seemed to have time or energy to devote to them this past year.  But what this job kept me from thinking about that was most important of all is school.  It has always in the back of my mind, yes, but it never seemed to get passed that point.

The place I had worked before this last job, I had worked there for over three years.  It was one of those places that had a ever sliding scope of favorability.  You thought that it was a fine job when you started but before you knew it, several years have gone by and the stress you experience there is enough to make you pop a blood vessel.  It was a time suck, a black hole where many a dream had died and I was thankful that I got out.  I didn't do it as soon as I should have.  The problem is that the job that took it's place was adding up to be the very same thing I had left.  It was filled with tedious situations and negative feedback that kept me from realizing my potential.

I know that no job is perfect and that there will always be people filling them that you might not be keen on, but what these two jobs had in common was that they kept me from wanting more.  I was content to go in every day, do what I was assigned to do and then go home, nothing more.  Much like how people stay in toxic relationships because the people are there, this job was there in a sense. And while it was there, so was  I, not thinking about my future.

But now I have an opportunity to think about my future.  It took me a long while to finally decide on something that has the right combination of what would pay well with what I would enjoy doing.  I believe patience has payed off in that respect.  I am excited about the prospect of going back to school and learning something important and then getting a career underway.  And that is the thing that I have always wanted, a career and not a job.  A job is something that you simply do, it doesn't feel permanent and it might not even contribute to you as a person.  But a career is something that you have, there is ownership in it and it becomes part of your personality.  It grows with you and the two of you can improve upon each other over time.  I've desired this for a long while and now it is finally time that I get it.

Life is filled with choices and divergent paths.  We might think that we know the end result but we can never know for sure.  It's said that the shortest way between two points is a straight line but life is never simple and who wants it shortened more than it already is?  I don't know how many times I've been wrong or how many times I've been right, but at this point it doesn't matter.  I just need to keep my eyes open and learn everything I can.  Being a student of life means being humble enough to see learning opportunities everywhere.  You might think you've graduated but as for me, class is just in session.